Growing up, I’d write quotes that struck a chord with me in a printed, leather-bound journal. One such quote read, “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward” (Martin Luther King Jr.). Jeez, how’s that for pressure. While this is one of my mantras (after all human beings are wired to feel good when they grow), few talk about the formula to keep moving forward. No matter who you are (even if you are someone with superpowers), there’s almost always bumps along the way — often large, unwieldy ones. When faced with an unwelcome surprise, sometimes you sink and sometimes you swim. It’s all a part of life, and it’s really okay. Because growth doesn’t take place linearly, but in steps up and steps down.
We all know the ups keep coming just as much as the downs do, and when the downs come, most of us don’t know which way to turn. We frantically turn our head each way, gasping for the right answer. When we don’t know what to do, we feel overwhelmed. When we don’t feel in control, we feel out of depth. And when we don’t know how it’ll all turn out, we feel lost. While this is a part of life, it’s not a great feeling. So I reflected on what helps me move forward. And by sharing this five step process, I hope it helps you too. So here it is…
First pay acceptance, and then patience
The first step to equalizing your nerves is to accept that it’s okay to not feel okay. Quite frankly this is the hardest step, but it’s half the battle won. While it’s not healthy to endlessly swim in a pool of your emotions, it’s not healthy to ignore them either. Because if you won’t accept them, you won’t understand what’s driving them. And if you don’t understand what’s driving them, you won’t be able to formulate a plan to manage them — instead, you’ll aimlessly shoot a million darts in the dark, none hitting the bulls eye. So accept them, and let them marinate for a while to let them pass. The same playlist will run at the back of your head on repeat, but soon you’ll be able to make sense of it. And soon you will become tired of it. And soon you will want to move on.
Understanding is power
If you have trouble finding the psychological fuel to move forward, don’t worry. Instead of obsessing over the situation, try to shift some of your focus to understanding the science behind the emotion. Once you know how the human brain and body is wired to work, you’ll know the tricks of the trade to alleviate at least some the challenges they present to you.
Here’s what I’ve understood so far. When there’s uncertainty, it triggers a sense of threat in our bodies, both physically and mentally. This is commonly known as the fight, flight or freeze response. And it releases a bunch of chemicals and hormones in the brain, a large one being cortisol, the body’s natural alarm system (otherwise known as the stress hormone). Cortisol increases your body’s ability to deal with the challenge presented to you, for instance, by pumping more blood to your heart and increasing its pace. Cortisol levels normalize when the issue has been resolved, but in your case, the issue is far from resolved! So what do you do?
As hard as it maybe then, you expose your body to situations that are familiar, comforting and joyful, at least for a short while until you feel more equanimous (these experiences will bring your cortisol levels down). A personal favorite experience of mine? To light scented candles or to write — hell, why not do both?
Don’t forget you’ve done it before so you can do it again
Once you begin to regain some balance, it’s important to believe you will figure it out. Look to your past to parse examples of how you’ve done it before to believe how you’ll do it again. It may not be the same situation, but it requires the same winning mindset. Take comfort because this isn’t your first time dressing your mind for the occasion.
Focus on the bright spots, and what you can control in the very short term
Humans are incredibly resilient, if given the chance. Positivity often begets positivity, resulting in a reverse domino effect, so why not take advantage of that? There must be at least something working out for you, no matter how tiny it is. So bring your focus there and capitalize on that. It’s the ammunition you’ve got, and it’s powerful. You’ve got to try it yourself to find out more, but essentially, it flips the narrative you tell yourself — thoughts of, I can’t do this get replaced with, oh I definitely can do this.
Think of new solutions to old problems
Finally, once you’ve got some momentum, it’s time to find new solutions to old problems. If something is not working, despite your efforts, it’s not working. Try something new. There are multiple paths to achieve your goal (and sometimes you have to change the goal to fit the situation), even though it might not be clear at first. When I’m drawing a blank slate, I usually have several 1:1 chats with very cool, very smart, and very passionate people — they usually have some ideas or we spark some by virtue of just deliberating.
Before I conclude, I’d like to leave you with a couple of thoughts. While this article was meant to help you, don’t sweat it too much. Because first, you might be in such a stressful situation (especially if it’s time bound) that your mind and body automatically focus without interruption and do what they are supposed to be doing. I’m sure all of us can recount at least some experiences. Second, for all its horrors, doubt is truly a period of growth. We ultimately come out stronger and better at the end of the tunnel. Because like I mentioned, growth doesn’t take place linearly, but in steps up and steps down.
