Reading Kishimi and Koga’s “The Courage to be Disliked”, leaves you feeling enlightened, yet reeling with questions. Written as a dialogue between a philosopher and a youth, the book unravels Adlerian psychology to propose a way of being that frees you, changes you, and helps you — what you need is your courage.
The book peels layers of an onion one at a time, answering questions you have about life. By the end, you are left with a suite of concepts that are deeply related to each other. They form a tenuous, complex whole, akin to a Rubik’s cube that tells you how to live freely. To understand what the book is trying to say, you have to travel to the end.
To help you get a flavour of the power it contains, I’ve tried to encapsulate it’s essence, one brick at a time. If you’d like to lead a simpler, more fulfilling and honest life, “The Courage to be Disliked” shines a bright torch.
The Courage to See Clearly
According to Adler, your past does not determine your present or future — only your perception of it does. In other words, how you think is in your control — it’s a choice you make, and it’s this reality that will determine your truth. This all sounds like hocus-pocus, right? I mean what about trauma!
To go deeper into what Adler is trying to say, he introduces the concept that things happen for a reason, even if we can’t see it; he’s not talking about an uncontrollable ’cause and effect’, but rather a controllable intent or purpose behind an event. In other words, Adler shuns aetiology — ’cause and effect’ thinking — and advances teleology — the explanation of an event in terms of the purpose it serves rather than its cause.
Let’s take an example of a young woman who’s anxious about socializing. Freud would say this woman has had embarrassing or hurtful interactions with people in the past that underscores her fear of socializing. In contrast, Adler would say she doesn’t want to form deep relationships with other people, which has resulted in her fear of socializing. According to Adler, it all boils down to how you perceive the world. Think of it as friendly, filled with good-natured people, and you will react in an amiable way. But think of it as unfriendly, filled with bad-natured people, and you will react in a disagreeable way.
This may be difficult to stomach for people who’ve gone through traumatic experiences. It almost patronizes their existence. What I can say in recompense is that your past influences how you perceive the world, but it does so in a way that tunnels or restricts your vision. Because you’ve had bad relationships, you begin to think all relationships are bad, when in reality, this is an out of balance, irrational thought. While Freud’s philosophy doesn’t offer a way out — I mean, how can you break the chain of cause and effect? — Adler’s at least provides a foot in the door — if you can understand the true purpose behind your behaviours, you can change them.
The Courage to Create Boundaries
We’ve all heard the phrase, “It’s complicated” tossed around many times. In Adler’s world, things are simple if you separate tasks. You act regarding what you can control — what you are individually responsible for — and leave the rest to other people. If you are confused about what your task is, think about who is ultimately going to receive the end result brought about by the action that is made? If it’s you, the task is yours!
When people intervene in other peoples’ tasks, Adler says it leads to interpersonal problems — in other words, trouble. Take for example the relationship between a child and a parent. The child’s task is to study and get into a good university since he/ she directly benefits or suffers from the end result. To be clear, Kishimi and Koga say, this is not the parent’s task. As the old adage goes, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
Sounds crazy, right! But think about it.
If the parent interferes with the child’s task by commanding the child to study, the child will not enjoy studying and perceive it as a punishment. This may adversely affect the child’s future even more! Later, the child may either shun his/ her responsibilities until he/ she is told several times to uphold them, or live to please every one of his/ her parent’s wishes, failing to carve his/ her independent path.
Because tasks were not separated — boundaries were not created — complexities ensued.
I know what you are thinking, how can the parent just sit back and see the child do as he/ she pleases? While Adler objects to intrusion on other people’s tasks, he doesn’t support non-intrusion either. In cases where there is genuine concern for another, he says one must encourage the person, and let them know one is ready to help.
The separation of tasks implies that we don’t need to carry the world’s burden on our shoulders, but we do need to take ownership of our individual choices and face their consequences. The separation of tasks also implies that we can’t always expect people to behave in the way we want them to. After all, that’s not our task!
The Courage to Live Freely
According to Adler, one lives freely when one makes use of the equipment one has — in other words, when one contributes to the community. He says one has self-worth when one is useful to others — whether by way of being or acting. Huh? Didn’t we just talk about the separation of tasks? What on earth does he mean! Contributing to the community?
To understand why Adler says contributing to the community leads to freedom, we have to understand the difference between horizontal and vertical relationships. Vertical relationships are hierarchical ones — based on praise and rebuke -, and horizontal relationships are non-hierarchical ones — based on gratitude and respect. Adler believes that when you are in a vertical relationship, you are not truly ‘free’. Your worth derives from the praise you receive; so he says, “Being praised is what leads people to form the belief that they have no ability. Because giving praise is a judgment that is passed by a person of ability onto a person without ability. And, when receiving praise becomes one’s goal, one is choosing a way of living that is in line with another person’s system of values.” In contrast, horizontal relationships are based on warm, genuine encouragement — words of joy, respect and gratitude are used rather than words of judgment.
So, in Adler’s view of the world, you can only truly contribute to the community (an individual or group of individuals) when you have self-worth, and you can only develop self-worth when you have horizontal relationships.
It’s all related. Let me connect the dots for you.
Just as I explained above, having vertical relationships means you live according to other people’s expectations. Ironically, it also means you only have concern for yourself, since, to you, “others are merely people who will do something for you.” Because this is a world of give and take, praise and rebuke. So, “Such people half-genuinely believe that everyone else exists to serve them, and should give precedence to their feelings.” But the world doesn’t work that way; people operate according to their own constructs. So when you don’t get what you expect, it threatens your self-worth — especially since you tie your self-worth to what others say about you anyway.
In contrast, if you develop horizontal relationships, you will see yourself as part of a larger community where each person is a centre of the world, just as different countries of our planet are. Rather than thinking of what you can do for yourself, you will think of what you can do for others. You will not live according to other people’s expectations and it will be easier for you to accept yourself just as you are. From this acceptance, you will develop self-worth, and from this self-worth you will develop courage — the courage to live freely according to your life tasks, and in fulfilling your life tasks, you will contribute to the community. You will be useful to others because you are self-reliant and equipped to be of use to someone else. Contributing to the community will in turn strengthen your sense of worth.
So How Does One Develop Self-Worth?
While Adler offers a few suggestions, the one I resonate most with is the following.
Accept yourself by focusing on what you can change rather than what you can’t.
In Kishimi and Koga’s words, “That’s right, accept what is irreplaceable. Accept ‘this me’ just as it is. And have the courage to change what one can change. That is self-acceptance.”
While Kishimi and Koga’s book teaches us many of Adler’s lessons, the heart of it is developing the courage to change what you can. And while it sounds easy, most of us can’t do this! Because most of us aren’t aware that we have the power to change our circumstances. And quite ironically, most of us worry about changing what we can’t, but don’t see how we can change what we can. To us, several changeable things seem abjectly unchangeable, and that’s the tragedy of life.
